I have done the Tarot since I was fourteen. After seeing the Rider Waite deck in Barnes and Nobles I fell in love with the illustrations by Pamela Colman Smith and the tales they told.
As the querent, wanting to know the details of my destiny I chose the effeminate Page of Cups. I remained thus for almost thirty years. Never changing. Stuck. Almost 8 months before accepting fully who I am, I made this drawing of myself, transformed. No longer effeminate, but female. The Page's fantasy complete.
The Page is a dreamer; playful and sincere and aware of the absurdities of life, but unwilling to be bowled under by them. The fish rising from the Chalice reminds one, that however turbulent and grave the ocean's surface, beneath there is calm. It is all just a show, a farce, a grand play. The Page laughs at the tragic comedy and never enters into it.
Since coming out, I use the Queen of Cups. She is sad. Intent. Her winged chalice is closed, and with a frown she seems fully willing to delve into its mysteries. Determined, but cautious.
She has been hurt. She has loved and grieved and almost been sucked under by the undertow of the primordial ocean.
Her heart has been broken , but her heart still loves, her love still lives, and unlike the Page, she knows that only laughing at the injustices and cosmic disorder of the Universe closes us off from our greater truth. The Page was stuck, unwilling to delve deeper, the Queen is ready to be free, ready to face whatever pain the truth brings.
Her foot touches the water. She is ready for transformation, to give herself to the tides of emotions and not laugh at the Universe, but to become part of it, giving up the self, by becoming her truth.
One can only hope, that on the other side of Fear and Sorrow there is Joy. The Sun. The Spring is coming...
